Another post of thoughts

It looks like it is for real. So... since last post things changed pretty. Got married and bought a house! Good news right? It was but now that has all gone to shit, much like everything else that has been happening. My wife is moving out at the end of the month and I don't know how to handle any of it. Going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow and I hope I can get put on something that will make me not feel like shit. Making it through the next few months is going to be so hard... and after the pain goes away I will still be alone. Even though I know being alone is something that I seek out when I'm with someone, the reality of truly being alone is setting in hard.

.....

I am writing this in hopes that nobody actually reads this. My head has been filled with millions of thoughts over the past week now. The shocking realization set in but the fact that she hates me is causing a huge problem. I want to make things write because I know that I was the one that pushed away and I see that it was my lack of faith and trust. Now that a child is going to be involved it is going to make things much more complicated. I don't know what I should do. I don't know how to make her stop hating me for this. I don't know if I will even get the chance to be a good father. I just want to make everything better, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I gave her a millions reasons why we shouldn't be together but she still adored me. I kept on pushing and she would always come back. The last time I pushed too hard not knowing what was in store for us. I relish in the idea of being a dad. The idea of looking out for the best interest of someone else is a very refreshing thought. I didn't think it would happen like this, but i am willing to make it work somehow. I just want to make it all better and I can't and now I'm feeling it. Desparation. please make it better.

Working hard, or hardly working

Good news everyone. I'm going to excessively bored tonight and will hopefuly be nominated for an all star award on that category. I don't think there is an award for that though. Everything is going really well at Levi's right now and I am not really sad about the situation. I'm so excited to see Brian, Christa, and Nolan that I can barely contain myself. Happiness is a strange mistress.

I am posting this here just cause

Well. Michelle and I broke-up yesterday and I'm feeling like crap. Mainly because it's my fault. Not even mainly. It's totally my fault. I have this awesome inability to tell people what is actually going on in my head. Awesome. I just needed to get that out.

Shawn

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dude checkout my posting time.. it's 11:11 am 11/11/05... oh it's delightful